Yesterday, I exploded at one of my friends. My feelings (my pride) had been injured and it was completely silly of me to harbor any grievance at all, but I have been known to be irrational at times. Anyway, I brought up an issue over which I was upset and picked a fight with her about it. I was angry that something that felt so important to me seemed so petty to her. It was made worse by the fact that she could hardly even remember the details of the incident in question.
After I had gotten out all of my words, we sat in silence for a while. Then I was so ashamed at my outburst that I began to cry. Super. So not only am I a meanie, but a crybaby! (If I remember correctly, that's two of the three worst things the other kids on the playground could call you, the third being "tattle-tale").
I wish I could say I was crying because I felt repentant at my poor attitude, but in reality it probably had more to do with the loss of a certain "reputation" I felt I had established here. I imagine I give off an impression of being caring and generous and helpful and patient... when I want to. And here I was watching my so-called reputation come crashing down in one fell swoop. Sin had reared its ugly head, and actually surfaced past where it normally did. I mean, I know that I am sinful, but I think I try pretty hard to not let others know that.
Paul Miller writes in A Praying Life: "All sin involves a splitting of the personality- what James calls being 'double-minded'. If we become proud, we have an inflated sense of self that has lost touch with who we really are. If a husband watches porn online and then warmly greets his wife, he has created two people- one public and one hidden. If you talk about friends disparagingly behind their backs, you've created two personalities- the loving friend and the gossipping friend. You try to keep the personalities separate by telling those to whom you gossip, 'Please keep this in confidence'" (p. 92)
If sin involves a splitting of the personality, then our aim should be to get our inner and outer lives to match. Now this is, in actuality, impossible for us to achieve on our own. That is why God poured out the wrath we justly deserved on His perfect Son, Jesus. Because of His perfectly sinless life, substitutionary death on our behalf, and resurrection from the grave, we are declared righteous (though we are sinners). All we need to do when we sin is repent.
Miller continues, "Repentance brings the split personality together and thus restores integrity to the life. The real self is made public. When the proud person is humbled, the elevated self is united with the true self." (p. 92)
In one sense, I'm glad my sin was exposed. I need to be reminded every once in a while that not doing sinful actions in the sight of other people is not the same as not being sinful. My heart (apart from the work of Christ) is desperately wicked. And only when we let others see our sin can we deal with it and be restored to purity of heart and action.
So I asked another friend, "What do I do now?" I had already apologized to the offended party, and we were okay. But I still felt the heavy feeling of guilt and shame. This other friend gave me great advice which I will now share with anyone who stumbles upon this post and actually makes it this far. She said that I ought to thank God that He took care of my sin and its ultimate consequence (eternal death and separation from God) at the Cross, and that I should now live in faith that He has taken away my shame. If you're lucky, you have friends who will forgive you and accept you as you truly are (forgiven and redeemed)...but even if you don't have friends who will forgive you for your sinful actions, you can know that in the person and work of Jesus Christ, an atonement has been made for your sin. All of it. Every single one. And you can go on with your life humbled (by the realization of your sin AND by the grace of God revealed at the Cross) and confident of your righteous status in God's eyes.
We should not be surprised by our sin. The Bible says that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. This means that no one is free from sin. We always think we are the only ones who sin, who mess up, who have ugly hearts...but that is not the case. Now, that doesn't give us excuse or license to sin. As children of God and heirs with Christ we must learn to hate sin because it is offensive to the One who loves us. But we don't have to run and hide our sin any longer (think Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden when God was looking for them). We don't have to be afraid of being "exposed" for what we truly are. Only if we own up to the fact that we are sinners can we truly embrace and rejoice in the provision of the Cross!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
My God, He provides for me!
So, it's been a very busy several weeks and it is only going to get worse (September is a big recruitment month for our organization, so I will be working a lot of extra evenings and weekends in the next few weeks). But in the busyness, I forgot to mention a cool incident that happened last week in which I saw God's presence and provision:
I was waiting with my co-worker at a street corner to take a bus to a nearby college to speak in a classroom and she was a little frustrated because the bus was taking so long to get there. It was probably 95 degrees out and perfectly sunny. We could both feel beads of sweat dripping down our business-casually-clad backs. We were also going to be late. When the bus finally did arrive, I realized with horror that I had not brought a fully loaded Metro card with me, and was currently carrying no cash! My co-worker rummaged through her purse and found a few dollar bills, but I remembered that the buses only accepted coins. I didn't even have a chance to pray, I was in a mental frenzy. We'd already walked a few blocks just to get here and if I ran back to get coins at the office, we'd miss this bus and have to wait another 15 minutes.
Because I was left no other choice, I began to climb the steps onto the bus, all the while wondering what I was going to do. My co-worker went in front of me, swiping her monthly pass, and I prepared myself for how I was going to explain this predicament to the driver. Suddenly he pointed at me and said, "You, don't swipe your card, give this woman $2.25 in cash. She swiped her card twice by accident, so she paid for your fare." Just like that, my fare was paid for, and because we were paying the woman in front of us and not feeding the coin machine on the bus we could pay her with dollar bills!
My co-worker, who is a self-proclaimed agnostic (and who knows that I am a Christian) said, "That worked out nicely!" I smiled because I knew it had been God providing for my needs before I could even voice them to Him.
In small things like that, God makes His presence known to me. Even when I am powerless (or should I say, especially when I'm powerless) He intervenes, sometimes without my asking, to come to my rescue. He really does care for me! And that incident positioned my heart to cry out to Him in similar situations, instead of worrying about how I am going to fix it.
About two hours later, I boarded the wrong train home and got off just in the nick of time, before the train left the station. I found a bus stop that looked like it would take me home and prayed that God would help me because I had just spent money getting into the train station that I could've spent on this bus I was about to take.
When the bus pulled up and I stepped up ready to insert my metrocard in the slot to waste yet another $2.25 the bus driver waved his hand for me to just take my seat. At first I was confused but then the lady behind me told me that the machine wasn't working so we were basically getting to ride for free. Ha! Twice in one day, God provided for me in seemingly small ways.
In the past, I might've tried to chalk this up to "coincidence" but that is because my cynical heart is so prone to doubt God's presence and involvement in my life. I am His child, purchased by the blood of Jesus, and now indwelt by His Spirit! Of course He is involved in my life, down to the minutest detail!
I pray that this little story encourages you and that you can examine your own heart and see if little seeds of cynicism have been allowed to grow there. When we view our situations with eyes of faith, we are able to recognize Jesus in areas of our lives that we did not before. I pray that our hearts would be filled with childlike faith to believe God is who He says He is, and that we would not hesitate in turning to our Heavenly Father bringing our requests and grateful hearts fo Him!
I was waiting with my co-worker at a street corner to take a bus to a nearby college to speak in a classroom and she was a little frustrated because the bus was taking so long to get there. It was probably 95 degrees out and perfectly sunny. We could both feel beads of sweat dripping down our business-casually-clad backs. We were also going to be late. When the bus finally did arrive, I realized with horror that I had not brought a fully loaded Metro card with me, and was currently carrying no cash! My co-worker rummaged through her purse and found a few dollar bills, but I remembered that the buses only accepted coins. I didn't even have a chance to pray, I was in a mental frenzy. We'd already walked a few blocks just to get here and if I ran back to get coins at the office, we'd miss this bus and have to wait another 15 minutes.
Because I was left no other choice, I began to climb the steps onto the bus, all the while wondering what I was going to do. My co-worker went in front of me, swiping her monthly pass, and I prepared myself for how I was going to explain this predicament to the driver. Suddenly he pointed at me and said, "You, don't swipe your card, give this woman $2.25 in cash. She swiped her card twice by accident, so she paid for your fare." Just like that, my fare was paid for, and because we were paying the woman in front of us and not feeding the coin machine on the bus we could pay her with dollar bills!
My co-worker, who is a self-proclaimed agnostic (and who knows that I am a Christian) said, "That worked out nicely!" I smiled because I knew it had been God providing for my needs before I could even voice them to Him.
In small things like that, God makes His presence known to me. Even when I am powerless (or should I say, especially when I'm powerless) He intervenes, sometimes without my asking, to come to my rescue. He really does care for me! And that incident positioned my heart to cry out to Him in similar situations, instead of worrying about how I am going to fix it.
About two hours later, I boarded the wrong train home and got off just in the nick of time, before the train left the station. I found a bus stop that looked like it would take me home and prayed that God would help me because I had just spent money getting into the train station that I could've spent on this bus I was about to take.
When the bus pulled up and I stepped up ready to insert my metrocard in the slot to waste yet another $2.25 the bus driver waved his hand for me to just take my seat. At first I was confused but then the lady behind me told me that the machine wasn't working so we were basically getting to ride for free. Ha! Twice in one day, God provided for me in seemingly small ways.
In the past, I might've tried to chalk this up to "coincidence" but that is because my cynical heart is so prone to doubt God's presence and involvement in my life. I am His child, purchased by the blood of Jesus, and now indwelt by His Spirit! Of course He is involved in my life, down to the minutest detail!
I pray that this little story encourages you and that you can examine your own heart and see if little seeds of cynicism have been allowed to grow there. When we view our situations with eyes of faith, we are able to recognize Jesus in areas of our lives that we did not before. I pray that our hearts would be filled with childlike faith to believe God is who He says He is, and that we would not hesitate in turning to our Heavenly Father bringing our requests and grateful hearts fo Him!
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