Failure Is there anything quite so hard to deal with? Especially when you are very critical of yourself, or when you care very much what people think of you, failure can be downright unbearable. Several examples are popping into my head, all begging to be mentioned, yet pulling my train of thought in different directions. Sometimes it's not even that the failure itself is that much of a failure- it may just be a different turnout than the one you were expecting. Last night while reading back through Roger Ebert's old tweets, I came across one pertaining to Invisible Children founder, Jason Russell. It was in reference to a very public, very humiliating mental breakdown he had just two weeks after the release of Kony 2012. At its launch, the film was received positively, but it did not take long before Ugandans, African policy experts, and other critics weighed in heavily, resulting in a barrage of negative press about Invisible Children. The negative response was clearly not what Jason had expected, and it impacted him in such a way that he ended up responding by doing something he probably never would've done. News reports say that he was found naked, in public, severely dehydrated, exhausted, and acting inappropriately.
This story made me really sad at first. It still is, actually, but I'm realizing that in the grand scheme of eternity, this seeming failure is not the main point. Nor is it the last word. If Jason is indeed a Christian, then God's saving grace that came to him initially is able to sustain him and carry him through this. God's saving grace is His keeping power. Philippians 1:6 says, "...He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." In the end (and even now) it matters not what people say about you, the causes you support, or the work of your hands. I'm not saying it won't matter to you, but that it shouldn't matter most to you. It is extremely hard to take criticism, even if it's "constructive" in nature. And in Jason's case, it was a whole lot of judgmental criticism. And from all over the world and all over the social media realm. And some of the criticism was probably well-founded, and I think he saw that. And I think it was devastating for him to experience such public resistance against something that is so personal and so important to him.
Jason's story is close to my heart because his heart is for justice against those who do evil, specifically Joseph Kony, and because I too know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by what people think of me and of my failures. But his example is a bit different from another person I think of who "failed", then bounced back, by God's grace. William Branch (aka "The Ambassador", a Christian hip-hop artist) was dropped by Cross Movement records due to an extramarital affair he had with another woman. William's failure was also very public and no doubt extremely humiliating for not only him, but his wife and family. Yet, the grace of the Gospel shines through this story in a way that highlights the mercy and love of the Living God. Read his statement here. In it, he humbly asks forgiveness from those he has failed, and states that he has spent the last year in retreat with the intent of focusing on his family and spending time in "concentrated prayer, counseling, reading, studying, and fellowship..." He then turns the focus away from the shame he now feels, or the sin that he committed, and shines a spotlight on the glorious good news - that sinners, even him, have been redeemed by the blood of Jesus. That he, like King David when confronted by Nathan, had repented and was choosing to believe "the rest of 2 Samuel 12:13, 'The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die.'"
It's been 3 years since then, and the Ambassador has come out with a new album aptly entitled "Stop the Funeral". I have gleaned so much GOOD from his lyrics, but also from listening to them in the context of his story. It is so encouraging! It is so Christ-exalting.
Jason's story is fresh yet, and his is different from William/The Ambassador's in that his "failure" was amoral, yet led to sin-influenced actions. The internet is a curse- his story and video clips of his breakdown will be available for years and years to come, as a inextinguishable reminder to him of what he has done...and that is really unfortunate. I hope and pray that in his life, too, the Lord Jesus' grace will shine through in healing and redemptive ways. If I have learned anything in my own life, I know that He is capable of it, and more than willing.
And then there's my own story. I am often very hard on myself. I often feel like I am a disappointment or that I am not meeting expectations. When I look in the mirror, I don't see who I want to be. I feel so very far from the kind, selfless, gracious, truth-loving woman I want to be. I so easily see my sin. And that can be a good thing. When we are blind to our sin, or when we see it but try to stifle it, that can lead to extensive problems. My sin causes me pain. And I've just begun to realize that that pain is a GOOD THING. As children of God, we walk in the light of His face. The light, a comfort, can also be a terrifying/blinding influence that exposes what is not right in us. It too is all grace. I don't have all of the answers on how to handle failure. I wish I did, but I know that I probably will never know how to perfectly deal with disappointment. Yet, I do know this: God is a good Father, and He disciplines those He loves. Even the "bad", when dealt to us from His hand, is transformed into something good, something nourishing and, eventually, beautiful. (insert Ecclesiastes 3:11 and Gungor song here)
He afflicts to heal.
He tests to confirm.
And what a kind God He is. When we are at our lowest, fully aware of our sin and just how much we've fallen short, He stoops down to make us great. (2 Samuel 22:36, NIV)
