when I sin

Yesterday, I exploded at one of my friends. My feelings (my pride) had been injured and it was completely silly of me to harbor any grievance at all, but I have been known to be irrational at times. Anyway, I brought up an issue over which I was upset and picked a fight with her about it. I was angry that something that felt so important to me seemed so petty to her. It was made worse by the fact that she could hardly even remember the details of the incident in question.

After I had gotten out all of my words, we sat in silence for a while. Then I was so ashamed at my outburst that I began to cry. Super. So not only am I a meanie, but a crybaby! (If I remember correctly, that's two of the three worst things the other kids on the playground could call you, the third being "tattle-tale").

I wish I could say I was crying because I felt repentant at my poor attitude, but in reality it probably had more to do with the loss of a certain "reputation" I felt I had established here. I imagine I give off an impression of being caring and generous and helpful and patient... when I want to. And here I was watching my so-called reputation come crashing down in one fell swoop. Sin had reared its ugly head, and actually surfaced past where it normally did. I mean, I know that I am sinful, but I think I try pretty hard to not let others know that.

Paul Miller writes in A Praying Life: "All sin involves a splitting of the personality- what James calls being 'double-minded'. If we become proud, we have an inflated sense of self that has lost touch with who we really are. If a husband watches porn online and then warmly greets his wife, he has created two people- one public and one hidden. If you talk about friends disparagingly behind their backs, you've created two personalities- the loving friend and the gossipping friend. You try to keep the personalities separate by telling those to whom you gossip, 'Please keep this in confidence'" (p. 92)

If sin involves a splitting of the personality, then our aim should be to get our inner and outer lives to match. Now this is, in actuality, impossible for us to achieve on our own. That is why God poured out the wrath we justly deserved on His perfect Son, Jesus. Because of His perfectly sinless life, substitutionary death on our behalf, and resurrection from the grave, we are declared righteous (though we are sinners). All we need to do when we sin is repent.

Miller continues, "Repentance brings the split personality together and thus restores integrity to the life. The real self is made public. When the proud person is humbled, the elevated self is united with the true self." (p. 92)

In one sense, I'm glad my sin was exposed. I need to be reminded every once in a while that not doing sinful actions in the sight of other people is not the same as not being sinful. My heart (apart from the work of Christ) is desperately wicked. And only when we let others see our sin can we deal with it and be restored to purity of heart and action.

So I asked another friend, "What do I do now?" I had already apologized to the offended party, and we were okay. But I still felt the heavy feeling of guilt and shame. This other friend gave me great advice which I will now share with anyone who stumbles upon this post and actually makes it this far. She said that I ought to thank God that He took care of my sin and its ultimate consequence (eternal death and separation from God) at the Cross, and that I should now live in faith that He has taken away my shame. If you're lucky, you have friends who will forgive you and accept you as you truly are (forgiven and redeemed)...but even if you don't have friends who will forgive you for your sinful actions, you can know that in the person and work of Jesus Christ, an atonement has been made for your sin. All of it. Every single one. And you can go on with your life humbled (by the realization of your sin AND by the grace of God revealed at the Cross) and confident of your righteous status in God's eyes.

We should not be surprised by our sin. The Bible says that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. This means that no one is free from sin. We always think we are the only ones who sin, who mess up, who have ugly hearts...but that is not the case. Now, that doesn't give us excuse or license to sin. As children of God and heirs with Christ we must learn to hate sin because it is offensive to the One who loves us. But we don't have to run and hide our sin any longer (think Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden when God was looking for them). We don't have to be afraid of being "exposed" for what we truly are. Only if we own up to the fact that we are sinners can we truly embrace and rejoice in the provision of the Cross!