a rainbow

when I sin

Yesterday, I exploded at one of my friends. My feelings (my pride) had been injured and it was completely silly of me to harbor any grievance at all, but I have been known to be irrational at times. Anyway, I brought up an issue over which I was upset and picked a fight with her about it. I was angry that something that felt so important to me seemed so petty to her. It was made worse by the fact that she could hardly even remember the details of the incident in question.

After I had gotten out all of my words, we sat in silence for a while. Then I was so ashamed at my outburst that I began to cry. Super. So not only am I a meanie, but a crybaby! (If I remember correctly, that's two of the three worst things the other kids on the playground could call you, the third being "tattle-tale").

I wish I could say I was crying because I felt repentant at my poor attitude, but in reality it probably had more to do with the loss of a certain "reputation" I felt I had established here. I imagine I give off an impression of being caring and generous and helpful and patient... when I want to. And here I was watching my so-called reputation come crashing down in one fell swoop. Sin had reared its ugly head, and actually surfaced past where it normally did. I mean, I know that I am sinful, but I think I try pretty hard to not let others know that.

Paul Miller writes in A Praying Life: "All sin involves a splitting of the personality- what James calls being 'double-minded'. If we become proud, we have an inflated sense of self that has lost touch with who we really are. If a husband watches porn online and then warmly greets his wife, he has created two people- one public and one hidden. If you talk about friends disparagingly behind their backs, you've created two personalities- the loving friend and the gossipping friend. You try to keep the personalities separate by telling those to whom you gossip, 'Please keep this in confidence'" (p. 92)

If sin involves a splitting of the personality, then our aim should be to get our inner and outer lives to match. Now this is, in actuality, impossible for us to achieve on our own. That is why God poured out the wrath we justly deserved on His perfect Son, Jesus. Because of His perfectly sinless life, substitutionary death on our behalf, and resurrection from the grave, we are declared righteous (though we are sinners). All we need to do when we sin is repent.

Miller continues, "Repentance brings the split personality together and thus restores integrity to the life. The real self is made public. When the proud person is humbled, the elevated self is united with the true self." (p. 92)

In one sense, I'm glad my sin was exposed. I need to be reminded every once in a while that not doing sinful actions in the sight of other people is not the same as not being sinful. My heart (apart from the work of Christ) is desperately wicked. And only when we let others see our sin can we deal with it and be restored to purity of heart and action.

So I asked another friend, "What do I do now?" I had already apologized to the offended party, and we were okay. But I still felt the heavy feeling of guilt and shame. This other friend gave me great advice which I will now share with anyone who stumbles upon this post and actually makes it this far. She said that I ought to thank God that He took care of my sin and its ultimate consequence (eternal death and separation from God) at the Cross, and that I should now live in faith that He has taken away my shame. If you're lucky, you have friends who will forgive you and accept you as you truly are (forgiven and redeemed)...but even if you don't have friends who will forgive you for your sinful actions, you can know that in the person and work of Jesus Christ, an atonement has been made for your sin. All of it. Every single one. And you can go on with your life humbled (by the realization of your sin AND by the grace of God revealed at the Cross) and confident of your righteous status in God's eyes.

We should not be surprised by our sin. The Bible says that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. This means that no one is free from sin. We always think we are the only ones who sin, who mess up, who have ugly hearts...but that is not the case. Now, that doesn't give us excuse or license to sin. As children of God and heirs with Christ we must learn to hate sin because it is offensive to the One who loves us. But we don't have to run and hide our sin any longer (think Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden when God was looking for them). We don't have to be afraid of being "exposed" for what we truly are. Only if we own up to the fact that we are sinners can we truly embrace and rejoice in the provision of the Cross!

My God, He provides for me!

So, it's been a very busy several weeks and it is only going to get worse (September is a big recruitment month for our organization, so I will be working a lot of extra evenings and weekends in the next few weeks). But in the busyness, I forgot to mention a cool incident that happened last week in which I saw God's presence and provision:

I was waiting with my co-worker at a street corner to take a bus to a nearby college to speak in a classroom and she was a little frustrated because the bus was taking so long to get there. It was probably 95 degrees out and perfectly sunny. We could both feel beads of sweat dripping down our business-casually-clad backs. We were also going to be late. When the bus finally did arrive, I realized with horror that I had not brought a fully loaded Metro card with me, and was currently carrying no cash! My co-worker rummaged through her purse and found a few dollar bills, but I remembered that the buses only accepted coins. I didn't even have a chance to pray, I was in a mental frenzy. We'd already walked a few blocks just to get here and if I ran back to get coins at the office, we'd miss this bus and have to wait another 15 minutes.

Because I was left no other choice, I began to climb the steps onto the bus, all the while wondering what I was going to do. My co-worker went in front of me, swiping her monthly pass, and I prepared myself for how I was going to explain this predicament to the driver. Suddenly he pointed at me and said, "You, don't swipe your card, give this woman $2.25 in cash. She swiped her card twice by accident, so she paid for your fare." Just like that, my fare was paid for, and because we were paying the woman in front of us and not feeding the coin machine on the bus we could pay her with dollar bills!

My co-worker, who is a self-proclaimed agnostic (and who knows that I am a Christian) said, "That worked out nicely!" I smiled because I knew it had been God providing for my needs before I could even voice them to Him.

In small things like that, God makes His presence known to me. Even when I am powerless (or should I say, especially when I'm powerless) He intervenes, sometimes without my asking, to come to my rescue. He really does care for me! And that incident positioned my heart to cry out to Him in similar situations, instead of worrying about how I am going to fix it.

About two hours later, I boarded the wrong train home and got off just in the nick of time, before the train left the station. I found a bus stop that looked like it would take me home and prayed that God would help me because I had just spent money getting into the train station that I could've spent on this bus I was about to take.

When the bus pulled up and I stepped up ready to insert my metrocard in the slot to waste yet another $2.25 the bus driver waved his hand for me to just take my seat. At first I was confused but then the lady behind me told me that the machine wasn't working so we were basically getting to ride for free. Ha! Twice in one day, God provided for me in seemingly small ways.

In the past, I might've tried to chalk this up to "coincidence" but that is because my cynical heart is so prone to doubt God's presence and involvement in my life. I am His child, purchased by the blood of Jesus, and now indwelt by His Spirit! Of course He is involved in my life, down to the minutest detail!

I pray that this little story encourages you and that you can examine your own heart and see if little seeds of cynicism have been allowed to grow there. When we view our situations with eyes of faith, we are able to recognize Jesus in areas of our lives that we did not before. I pray that our hearts would be filled with childlike faith to believe God is who He says He is, and that we would not hesitate in turning to our Heavenly Father bringing our requests and grateful hearts fo Him!

I don't know whether it's getting quieter out here or whether I am adjusting to the noise, but lately I have been sleeping like a baby. I think I woke up this morning in the exact same position I fell asleep in last night. I don't recall hearing any sirens or car alarms...

And right now, all I hear outside my window (other than the distant droning of an airplane) is the chirping of birds!

Aaaand, I just discovered that the cathedral on the corner of my street chimes the hour!

Hmmm...the only explanation is that sometime between the time I drifted off to sleep last night and this morning, I must've been transported back to Grove City.

it's Tuesday.

Today was another long day of training downtown near Wall Street. It was an hour commute one way, and I woke up only half an hour before I had to leave the house at 8:30 this morning, which meant a lot of rushing around and no time to even crack open my Bible or drink any coffee before work. Coffee was provided for us on site once we arrived at the Food Bank's headquarters, but there was no time throughout the day to set aside specifically for reading the Word or pondering God.

Looking back through the day, it didn't feel very spiritual. I sat on the subway for two hours alternating between feelings of tiredness and discomfort (being squashed between two big men). I sat through six hours of training on eligibility requirements for food stamp applications. I came home and baked cookies with my roommates' five-year-old cousin, had dinner, contemplated going for a run (but didn't because it got dark fast, and rained again), and then sat down with Emily to watch an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Other than reading "A Praying Life" for a bit on the train ride home, I didn't actively try very hard to draw near to God today.

Ordinarily, I would get down on myself about this and begin to distance myself intentionally from Him. I used to expect Him to treat me like I treat people when they ignore me or avoid me for some time. I thought that maybe He was hurt and harboring feelings of bitterness against me for not making time in my day for Him. I thought maybe He won't draw near to me today, because I have not drawn near to Him. And maybe He'll be kinda cold towards me for a few days...until I have learned my lesson.

Thank God He's not like me! Not only is He not like me, but our relationship does not all ride on me! I think one of the greatest passages in the Bible is Philippians 1:6 "...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

I used to think that unless I was constantly fasting, praying, worshipping, etc. that my relationship with God would go down the tubes. In fact, I grew up being told "you are as close to God as you want to be!" Which was horrible news most of the time because I hardly ever really wanted to be close to Him. If only I could be passionate enough or sold out enough...THEN He would love me and then I could be a "good" Christian, one who was happy all the time, spouting off Scripture, and leading hundreds of people to Christ every day.

The longer I am a Christian, the more I recognize and lean on God's faithfulness to me! I realize it's not about how faithful I am to Him! I can't always be as passionate as I should be about Him. I am weak, and I fail. If this whole Christian walk were up to me, I would have derailed years ago. But God, in His grace, has kept me all these years. He sustains me, He keeps His promise: He will continue what He has started in me. So even when I have days where it feels as if I have lost sight of what's important, I can rest in the fact that my Father's got me. He hasn't forgotten about me or brushed me aside until I can get my act together. No, He is orchestrating the events of my life, ordaining my every step, using all that happens to me to sanctify me and glorfiy Himself in my life- even the most ordinary days.

covenant

Christians tend to throw words around.

You know what I mean. We have certain words we use (most of the time around other believers or in a church-y setting) and overuse, to the point where we may forget to dwell on the meaning behind those words.

Covenant is one such word, for me at least.

I grew up in a Korean church called New Covenant Fellowship Church (NCFC)- shout out to my most faithful reader, my cousin Daniel, who is going strong there- and I remember that all of the older Korean men and women in the church referred to it simply as "Huellowship Gyoye" (which means Fellowship Church; the "f" sound is a hard for native Korean speakers to pronounce sometimes). So the word "covenant" was dropped (even the English speakers just referred to it as NCFC) and although I was familiar with the word, I never much thought about the word "covenant" which is a travesty because it is a word packed with rich meaning.

Now, I am not a theologian by profession so what follows may not be a super in-depth explanation of the idea of covenant, but it's what I have understood at this point in my life. I welcome any ideas/thoughts that you have on this topic.

So, covenant simply means an agreement between two parties. I am reading through material for my "covenant membership" class for the church I now attend, and it states that every human relationship apart from the parent-child relationship and coerced relationships (like one between a master and slave) are covenant relationships on some level. One party promises some good/service and the other agrees to offer something in exchange for it...now that sounds super "mercantilistic" (yes, I am aware that this may not be a real word) but, as a sociology major in college, I do understand that there is always a "give and take" in almost every human relationship. Even in our friendships, we see this. In exchange for your friendship, I will invest my time into continuing to get to know you, and you might call or write in order to ensure that I will keep up my end of the bargain. Now not all of these stipulatons are outlined in writing or even addressed outright, but covenant is usually marked and sealed by some external sign. Marriage is sealed by rings and a marriage license and a public declaration before witnesses. In middle school, my best friends and I wore half-heart necklaces that, when put together, read "Best Friends Forever" as an outward sign of our commitment to one another.

"Covenant" is first introduced in Genesis 3:15 when God promises that the serpent's head will be crushed; the consequences of Adam and Eve's sin will be dealt with by the coming Savior. We see it again when God makes an agreement with Abraham, He promises that He will make his name great and give him descendants that outnumber the sand on the shore or the stars in the sky.

I think of the covenant God made with Noah, and how he sealed it with the rainbow. A promise, a reminder if you will, to us- that whenever we see the rainbow up in the rainclouds we will think "ah, eventually this rain will let up. God has promised never to flood the earth completely again." How beautiful.

But there are not-so-beautiful aspects of covenent, namely, the breaking of it. You see, covenant relationships are binding agreements. They are not to be taken lightly, they are not to be broken ever. Neither party can fail to uphold their end of the covenant, without there being serious consequences.

God initiates a covenant with Israel in the Old Testament. Even though they do not seek Him like they ought (because they are unable to in their wickedness and sin) God promises grace to them. He will not destroy them. He will set apart a people for Himself. He gives them the sacrificial system by which the blood of animals will serve as a temporary hold-over for his wrath. In Deuteronomy, God promises blessing and His very presence and protection instead of curses if Israel will but obey God and serve Him alone as God. (Deut. 29:9-14, 30:16-20)

If you've grown up going to church, you know what happens. Israel turns away from God time and time again, just as we are so prone to do. We are the recipients of grace and divine love, but we squander what we've been given, we scorn God's mercy and turn aside to follow our own hearts. What Israel deserved for breaking covenant with a holy God was outlined in the Deuteronomy passage above: "...if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down before other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed...(Deut. 30:27-18) What God says carries weight. He cannot lie, so we can be sure that anything He says is a promise. When Israel sinned by turning away from Him, He couldn't just say "You know when I said I would destroy you if you sinned, well I guess I take it back. I don't really want to destory you..." No. Because He stated it, that is how it had to be. His word is reality.

Israel (and we, lumped in with them) had no hope, then. We, in effect, spit in the Creator's face...said we didn't really need Him. We made light of His great love. And what did He do?

He destroyed His own Son on the cross for us. He implemented a NEW COVENANT! He didn't break His own rules and do away with punishment. No- in an incredible show of His mercy AND justice, He poured out His wrath on Jesus, who lived a sinless life.
Hebrews 8:7-13 tells us the good news: "The time is coming, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel...it will not be like the covenant I made with their forefathers...because they did not remain faithful to my covenant, and I turned away from them. This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time (after they sin and break covenant)...I will put my law in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God and they will be my people. No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother saying 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sin no more."

Dang.

I read that first thing this morning and wept tears of gratitude. He knew we would sin...look at what He says "after that time"- and He exercises grace yet again to bring us near. We, who were condemned as "objects of wrath" (Eph. 2:3). Amazing. God's grace is truly amazing.

for when I am weak, then I am strong

I am fearful.

Fearful of the silliest things, really. Of not being liked, of being thought foolish or stupid, of being forgotten or left out... yes, I think those things are some of my top fears. But are they really that silly? Because they feel like such valid fears sometimes.

I know I am not supposed to be fearful, that perfect love is supposed to cast out all fear and that I am no longer rejected- God has accepted me in Christ. There are Bible verses galore that would support these ideas, but I am having trouble translating them into real life. You know, figuring out how these truths change the way I live and respond to situations.

I don't understand it- it's like I have this irksome need to be liked! If I sense that someone doesn't like me, it bothers me. I scramble for ways to make them like me, ways to make them accept me. But the problem is that not everyone likes me. And I'm not always likeable (especially when I am this needy for approval).

This behavior has begun to affect me at work. Because I sometimes feel uncomfortable around my co-workers, I am not always myself, and as a result, I begin to feel insecure, and unsure of whether they really "like" me. Not that it should matter. And yet, I crave their approval and feel a lack when I don't get it. Any desire to share the gospel subsides as I strive for them to like me. I can't confront their bad language...they'll think I'm a goody-two-shoe! When I make mistakes or am confronted about something I didn't do correctly, instead of handling it graciously, I act as if I am being victimized. And when things don't go my way...well, I get cranky. I'm not painting a very pretty picture of myself here, and really that's just as well, because it's a truer picture of myself than the image I often try to portray. The truth is, I am a small, selfish, fearful child.


And yet, I am promised that as I behold His glory, He is transforming me into His image. I am promised that if I just open my mouth, He will give me the words to say. And if I am faithful to share the Gospel, He is the one who will give the grace for someone to believe the truth I share with them. It's ultimately not about me. It never is, really. As Kevin DeYoung says, "Never underestimate the germinating power of the Word." All that is needed for God's Word to take root in someone's heart and produce fruit-bearing faith is God's Word. Not a smooth-talking, attractive, outgoing, well-dressed person. Not a killer personality or skillful public speaking skills. I'm so glad that my utter weakness does not disqualify me from sharing the Gospel!

It'd be a miracle if my co-workers even see a tiny speck of resemblance between me and my Jesus. I am so incredibly weak and self-centered. My heart grumbles like the Israelites did in the desert. Why did you bring me here, God? That I have the audacity to ask such questions is indicative of my unbelief. He has demonstrated His provision beautifully for me: a great home full of believers, a job right out of college, a solid church full of people who love the Lord...and I still struggle to believe that He is with me, that He is for me, that He is working in me and through me.

It's time to take my eyes off myself and turn my attention back to Jesus.

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. [notice we don't hold firm to our faith because we are awesome Christians, but because we have an awesome Savior] For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. [amazing...] Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." -Hebrews 4:16

I don't know about you, but I am running towards that throne...