I take comfort in the sympathetic expressions of weakness and dependency reflected here:

Pilot Me by Josh Garrels

I will arise and follow you over
Savior, please pilot me

Over the waves and through every sorrow
Savior, please pilot me

When I have no more strength left to follow
Fall on my knees, pilot me

May your sun rise and lead me on
Over the seas, Savior, pilot me

Oh Lord

Psalm 42:7
Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.

trudgery & explosions

Inside me lies two responses to the lifeless state I feel myself slipping into today at work. Apathy and mindless, robotic endurance is one option. I will trudge through this day in survival mode, willing time to continue to tick by, after all, I know that it will. That's what time does.

Secondly, I want to explode, escape, break free, break out against the numbness. Change is on the horizon, July 5th- oh hasten the day! The day where I move on from this work that I no longer believe in. It's terrible when your job gives you an "in" into the lives of suffering, hurting people, but then makes you reach out to them not as yourself, but as a representative of an organization that you don't believe can actually help them. And I've done this for two years! A more honest, sincere person would have left the first week... I guess I expected I would be able to help them eventually. As I leave this job and go to one that seems a blessing in so many ways, I wonder what have I done here? Have I bettered this place, these people as a result of spending 40+ hours a week here?

I cannot bear the answer which I suspect. It haunts me.

I am also haunted by my quick turn-around. I was "up" on Monday. It is Friday and already I feel so down it's almost comical my lack of ability to find some sort of stasis.

Stasis: when two opposing forces equal each other in intensity, thereby cancelling each other out.

So, it's not that there aren't going to be forces bringing me down, squelching joy and hope, robbing me of peace. It's that I have to fight back with an equal intensity. "Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong." -1 Corinthians 16:13. But I am not a man. And I don't have strength in and of myself right now. (Or ever) "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power." -Ephesians 6:10. What does it mean to be strong in the Lord? I feel so unbelievably weak, as if I could just keel over and die. Right here, on the spot. I am no superstar Christian. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"- 2 Corinthians 12:9.

I'm not sure I understand why He picks the weakest vessels to be put in places where light is most needed. There are others who would do better. Who would shine brighter. Could it be that the dimness of my own light causes Christ to shine all the more brightly? "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10.

up & down

"Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you." -James 4:9b-10

I find myself too often being tossed by the waves of circumstance. Forgetting that I have a sure foundation in God's Word and an anchor, hope, that holds in every storm, I abandon ship and allow myself to be lashed back and forth by the stuff in which I'm swimming: relational hurts, job stresses, the harsh environs of my neighborhood, the realization of my own sinfulness, uncertainty about the future, etc. And the worst part is- if I stay out there long enough, treading and trying to keep my head above water, I begin to despair. I wonder if God has forgotten about me, or worse: conclude that He has not forgotten (He is GOD after all), but that He must enjoy watching me suffer. If He has the power to stop my pain, and He doesn't, what else can I possibly conclude?

Am I surprised at my suffering? The Bible has given me enough warning to know that this is to be expected... Yes, the Christian life can be hard. God's people must walk through trials and if the Master was treated unfairly and subjected Himself willingly to ridicule and pain and eventually death, then the servant cannot expect anything different, right? Maybe the problem is when this is ALL I expect. I forget about the Joy of being His. The Joy of knowing that my future is secure, that the best is yet to come. It's not that I haven't experienced joy. Oh no, I have had my moments where I have felt joy overflowing from my heart. I remember two summers ago when the Holy Spirit highlighted the Gospel for me in such a way that I wept for the joy of what He had done for me...

My friend Tina says I feel things very deeply. And I suppose that can be a good thing, but it can also be a terrible thing.

In one of my favorite movies, Anne of Green Gables, there is a scene where Anne and Marilla are talking and Anne says that she is "in the depths of despair". I don't think Marilla's response was altogether helpful to Anne in that moment, but it helps put things in perspective for me. "To despair is to turn your back on God". I'll switch the wording a bit because in actuality I have often turned my back on God and not despaired of it: to despair is to believe that God has turned His back on you. If you are His, if you belong to Him, if you have been adopted into His family, He cannot turn His back on you. To do so would be to deny Himself.

So what do I do when I am down? Funny enough, it's when I'm down that God's promises become all the more precious to me. I read from Isaiah 40 this morning: "Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed..." (vs. 4-5) Not only is this a beautiful promise to me that valleys aren't valleys forever, but it also gives me an answer. What should I seek when I am down?

Easy. It's the same thing I should seek when all is going well with me. God's glory. I should seek to proclaim (even if only to myself) His greatness, His goodness, His mercy, His grace, His holiness, His kindness, His wisdom, His trustworthiness, His tenderness, His justice, His righteousness, etc. This is what keeps inconsistent human beings on a consistent track. In this life there will be ups and downs. And sometimes it will feel like it is mostly downs. But regardless, we look to the Lord- who is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). He is the only constant when the rollercoaster of life unexpectedly takes a plunge.

I am starting to see that times in the valley are precious. The Puritans called it the "Valley of Vision". I'll end with two very different, but true excerpts. The first is part of a prayer from the Valley of Vision, a collection of Puritan prayers. The second is lyrics from a song "Up, Down" by the Ambassador. Enjoy. Both have blessed me the last several days.

"Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all..."

"If it goes up, then it goes down, you can go up, you can go down. Everything is for a season; Seasons go round. Keep looking up to Jesus when it comes down."

Lord, let us never despair when we are led by your tender hand into the valley or out into the wilderness. You discipline those you love. And it is in the deep, dark valley that your glory shines brightest- just as stars look brighter out in the country away from the city lights which compete with their brightness. It is in the wilderness that you speak tenderly to us and strip away from us our idols, our lesser loves. Lord, I want to see you shine in my life. Thank you that through the ups and downs you are the never-changing God. Thank you that you are jealous for our heart's devotion. You know that only You can satisfy hearts made for you.

a smorgasblog

Today's is a posting that will be more of a random smorgasbord of thoughts and ideas. I am being intellectually lazy in honor of the New York Times religion column. (yes, that was a burn. don't worry, it's a big paper, it can handle it.)

On How to Wake Up Happy: Woke up this morning, was prompted to reach for my Bible first thing. I attribute that to grace. Filled my first thoughts with Psalm 34...such a good way to combat early-morning depression.

On How to Be Joyful: Another good way to combat depression/despondency in general, as I am finding out, is to cultivate a grateful heart. Gratitude does not just happen on its own. It is a choice that is purposefully, intentionally made moment-by-moment. (I'm reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts and it is stirring up something deep in the recesses of my oft-ungrateful heart and drawing out thankfulness/recognition of beauty/joy.) Running is also good. So are burpees. (I just found out what those were today, and did a BUNCH. I will find out tomorrow if that was a good idea or not).

On Reading: I want to finish more books. I am a great starter of books (currently, I am in the process of reading "Future Grace" by John Piper, "The Hobbit" by Tolkien, "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, my Microbiology textbook, "Catching Fire" by Suzanne Collins, and finally, "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" by Dr. Paul Brand and Philip Yancey.) I used to be satisfied to pick up books, start a few chapters, slough through a few more at a later time, and then drop it with no intention of ever finishing it. But no more! I intend to finish each of the above-named books (yes, even the formidable Micro textbook...) before the end of the summer, if not sooner. I will do my best to not take any more book recommendations until then.

On Home, and Belonging: Pastor Bob, in his sermon this morning, read Revelation 7:15. My ESV didn't quite capture this, but he must've been reading from the 1984 NIV: "He who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them". He elaborated that this tent, His presence (in the ESV) is where we belong, as believers. This is the Home we find ourselves longing for here. I swallowed hard as he said this. I can certainly identify with the longing to belong, to find a home, not just a place to lay my head at night, but a safe and welcoming place to which I can always run. I often long to find this in a person. A friend. One who will never leave me. But, alas, friends move away, pursue their God-given callings far, far away from where He has me. And repeated disappointments remind me that this is not it. This is not Home. And as long as I pretend that it is, I will be sorely disappointed. And then I think of Jesus, who did not even have a place to lay his head. He knew this wasn't home. And here I am laboriously picking out curtains and complaining about the poor plumbing...as if I'm going to be here forever. As if this temporal world can somehow meet/satisfy the infinite longings of my heart. Oh may earthly disappointment drive me to seek Him! May I cry out when "my heart and my flesh fail" for the shelter of His presence. And may I cry out with the rest of those who are Homesick, "Amen, come Lord Jesus!"

And on that eschatological note, I think I will end this posting.

one day, I hope to...

get past myself, my hang-ups, and my introspection (which is really no fun at all)...and move onto larger more wonderful pursuits. I want to write about things that really matter, instead of writing in order to sort out my own seemingly contradictory thoughts about life and things that matter. I want to get out from under the guilt and shame that try to attach themselves to me; I want to walk in the freedom that has already been purchased for me. I want to dance without caring what people think, or that they can see how foolish I look. I want to live with integrity and no longer project onto others the impressions of myself that I guess/make-up in my head. I want to start living my life instead of coveting the lives of others, the callings of others. I want to be infectiously joyful, constantly grateful, and full-to-the-brim of the experiential knowledge of my God. I want to make good use of my time. Find that balance between faithful stewardship of the days I've been given, and being oblivious of time itself as I live for eternity. I want to be a good friend, one that is faithful and steadfast. One that does not run from hurt, but runs back to my friend with arms open and heart ready to forgive (and, if need be, be hurt again), trusting all the while that my heart is in the charge of One who takes good care of me. Oh to live with purpose and wonder! A purpose that gives meaning to the mundane. A wonder that sees the world through the lens of the light and beauty of Jesus.

I forget that the days that I dread and the minutes that tick by with painstaking slowness are the stuff of which my future is made. A future grace is my present beholding of truth. Accepting with a thankful heart all that I've been given...Today. And every day, I have been given the greatest gift of all- Christ Jesus is mine, despite my dirt and filth and slowness of heart. He has come to make His home inside this heart - weary-worn by the world, hardened by hurt, and scarred by sin- and He gives me a new heart. And new mercies each day. I can hardly imagine that sort of reality, it seems so contrary to the pattern of living (if it can be called that) to which I've grown accustomed lately.

Lord Jesus, forgive me. Let me behold Your beauty and grace in such a way that the rest seems rubbish to me. Let me move past my self. Let me be moved by Grace to see the precious treasure that You are. And take this life, and the days I have left, to make of it something beautiful that points to You.

"'You are a king, then!' said Pilate." BINGO.

Reading a marriage book, at my father's behest. (Is that the proper use of that word? I'm not sure...) It's called "What Did You Expect", so I assume it addresses the expectations (probably FALSE expectations, at that) people have as they enter marriage. I'm on chapter 4 now, having finished chapters 2 and 3 last night. I must say, for being a marriage book it sure speaks to me in my singleness...

Here are a few gleanings from chapter 3 entitled "Whose Kingdom?" that I believe will benefit anyone who reads this whether contentedly single, discontentedly single, contentedly married, or discontentedly married. Or oblivious to such matters.

Paul David Tripp, the author, writes "...we are kingdom oriented people. We always live in the service of one of two kingdoms." (pg. 47-48) The first, the one we enter the world pledging our allegiance to, is the kingdom of self. In this kingdom, we rule as king, and our desires, our dreams, and our needs are of singular importance. This is also known as Living in Sin. Sin is described a few paragraphs earlier in his book: "Sin, at its root, makes us shrink our lives to the narrow confines of our little, self-defined world. It causes us to shrink our focus, motivation, and concern to the size of our own wants, needs, and feelings. Sin causes all of us to be WAY too self-aware and self-important. Sin is essentially anti-social. It dehumanizes the people in our lives: they are reduced either to vehicles to help us get what we want or obstacles in the way of what we want. They are no longer objects of our willing affection." (pg. 47)

The second, is the kingdom of God. For those who profess faith in Jesus Christ, this is the kingdom we have been saved into. By God's grace, He frees us from our bondage to ourselves, to our self-coronating sin.

I laughed as I caught a glimpse of my church's Good Friday service bulletin poking out from underneath the rubble on my desk this morning. These words were the only ones I could see:

"You are a king, then!" said Pilate. (John 18:37).

Pilate does not say this to acknowledge Jesus' testimony of Himself (or His kingdom) as true. We know this because the very next words out of Pilate's mouth are, "What is Truth?" This kind of kingdom did not make any sense to Pilate. My guess is he said it in the tone people use when talking to people that might be crazy. "So, you're the real Shirley Temple and your identity has been stolen, eh?" (this is a real-life example from my job, by the way).

Only in this instance, Pilate was uttering profound truth, and he had no idea. Words which ought to have brought him to his knees before the King of kings, were spoken in a condescending manner, not knowing Who stood before him.

And don't we do the same thing in our lives with Jesus?

There's nothing wrong with Jesus, we find no fault with Him. But we fail to acknowledge His kingship. At best, we are amused with the concept so we'll listen for a bit, acknowledge it in our own way. But when life doesn't go as planned, our allegiance to our own kingdom is exposed. We don't laugh and rest in His sovereignty: we flip out and get offended. God has violated the laws of our own kingdom, the way we wanted things to go.

And this, Tripp writes, is why marriages which started off full of love and affection go sour. When (feelings of) love dry up and the other person violates our expectations, it's a battle of one's kingdom of self against another's. The only way to aright this is to seek together God's kingdom, His righteousness. A marriage of unity and understanding and real love rests on the bedrock of joyful allegiance to Christ's Kingdom. And so it is with those who are single, too. A single life of peace and gratitude and purpose and fulfillment rests on the same bedrock. As we turn our eyes away from self, and onto Christ, making Him the object of our deepest affections, we discover a better kingdom and, more importantly, a King... Who takes care of all our needs, who doesn't give us what our sins deserve, who lovingly crowns us with grace and compassion. A King who exposes our sin, frees us from its chains, and transforms us into people who love selflessly as He does.

crying out, seeking, drawing near

I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep, having gotten to bed around 2:00 this morning after picking up my friend (and roommate), Heather, from JFK airport. Normally I would be somewhat of a grumpypants after so few hours of sleep, but this morning there was something in me that decided to actually wake up when my cell phone alarm went off and to use the time I had before work to seek God.

Yesterday, as I was reading John Piper's Future Grace, I was startled and refreshed by these verses:
"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded." (James 4:8)
"The Lord your God is gracious and compassionate, and will not turn His face away fro you, if you return to Him." (2 Chronicles 30:9)

If there are two things I can be sure of at this very moment, they are:
1) That I am a sinner in need of God's grace
2) That there is Grace to seek Him RIGHT NOW.

That He promises to draw near when I do. That He promises I will have NO LACK when I do. That He will delight me, guide me, be kind to me. These aren't just "nice ideas". They are promises from God's Word. And because He is trustworthy, His words can be trusted.

I am taking Him at His word today. I don't need to do anything special or super-human for Him to draw near to me. I recognize my need for Him and cry out- "He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you." (Isaiah 30:9)

I will never know why He chooses to bother with me- I have so little faith, so much selfishness, boatloads of pride, and doubt... yet He is patient and waits for me to come around. What an amazing, loving God He is! He alone is to be feared.