for when I am weak, then I am strong

I am fearful.

Fearful of the silliest things, really. Of not being liked, of being thought foolish or stupid, of being forgotten or left out... yes, I think those things are some of my top fears. But are they really that silly? Because they feel like such valid fears sometimes.

I know I am not supposed to be fearful, that perfect love is supposed to cast out all fear and that I am no longer rejected- God has accepted me in Christ. There are Bible verses galore that would support these ideas, but I am having trouble translating them into real life. You know, figuring out how these truths change the way I live and respond to situations.

I don't understand it- it's like I have this irksome need to be liked! If I sense that someone doesn't like me, it bothers me. I scramble for ways to make them like me, ways to make them accept me. But the problem is that not everyone likes me. And I'm not always likeable (especially when I am this needy for approval).

This behavior has begun to affect me at work. Because I sometimes feel uncomfortable around my co-workers, I am not always myself, and as a result, I begin to feel insecure, and unsure of whether they really "like" me. Not that it should matter. And yet, I crave their approval and feel a lack when I don't get it. Any desire to share the gospel subsides as I strive for them to like me. I can't confront their bad language...they'll think I'm a goody-two-shoe! When I make mistakes or am confronted about something I didn't do correctly, instead of handling it graciously, I act as if I am being victimized. And when things don't go my way...well, I get cranky. I'm not painting a very pretty picture of myself here, and really that's just as well, because it's a truer picture of myself than the image I often try to portray. The truth is, I am a small, selfish, fearful child.


And yet, I am promised that as I behold His glory, He is transforming me into His image. I am promised that if I just open my mouth, He will give me the words to say. And if I am faithful to share the Gospel, He is the one who will give the grace for someone to believe the truth I share with them. It's ultimately not about me. It never is, really. As Kevin DeYoung says, "Never underestimate the germinating power of the Word." All that is needed for God's Word to take root in someone's heart and produce fruit-bearing faith is God's Word. Not a smooth-talking, attractive, outgoing, well-dressed person. Not a killer personality or skillful public speaking skills. I'm so glad that my utter weakness does not disqualify me from sharing the Gospel!

It'd be a miracle if my co-workers even see a tiny speck of resemblance between me and my Jesus. I am so incredibly weak and self-centered. My heart grumbles like the Israelites did in the desert. Why did you bring me here, God? That I have the audacity to ask such questions is indicative of my unbelief. He has demonstrated His provision beautifully for me: a great home full of believers, a job right out of college, a solid church full of people who love the Lord...and I still struggle to believe that He is with me, that He is for me, that He is working in me and through me.

It's time to take my eyes off myself and turn my attention back to Jesus.

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. [notice we don't hold firm to our faith because we are awesome Christians, but because we have an awesome Savior] For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. [amazing...] Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." -Hebrews 4:16

I don't know about you, but I am running towards that throne...