Failure

Failure Is there anything quite so hard to deal with? Especially when you are very critical of yourself, or when you care very much what people think of you, failure can be downright unbearable. Several examples are popping into my head, all begging to be mentioned, yet pulling my train of thought in different directions. Sometimes it's not even that the failure itself is that much of a failure- it may just be a different turnout than the one you were expecting. Last night while reading back through Roger Ebert's old tweets, I came across one pertaining to Invisible Children founder, Jason Russell. It was in reference to a very public, very humiliating mental breakdown he had just two weeks after the release of Kony 2012. At its launch, the film was received positively, but it did not take long before Ugandans, African policy experts, and other critics weighed in heavily, resulting in a barrage of negative press about Invisible Children. The negative response was clearly not what Jason had expected, and it impacted him in such a way that he ended up responding by doing something he probably never would've done. News reports say that he was found naked, in public, severely dehydrated, exhausted, and acting inappropriately.

This story made me really sad at first. It still is, actually, but I'm realizing that in the grand scheme of eternity, this seeming failure is not the main point. Nor is it the last word. If Jason is indeed a Christian, then God's saving grace that came to him initially is able to sustain him and carry him through this. God's saving grace is His keeping power. Philippians 1:6 says, "...He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." In the end (and even now) it matters not what people say about you, the causes you support, or the work of your hands. I'm not saying it won't matter to you, but that it shouldn't matter most to you. It is extremely hard to take criticism, even if it's "constructive" in nature. And in Jason's case, it was a whole lot of judgmental criticism. And from all over the world and all over the social media realm. And some of the criticism was probably well-founded, and I think he saw that. And I think it was devastating for him to experience such public resistance against something that is so personal and so important to him.

Jason's story is close to my heart because his heart is for justice against those who do evil, specifically Joseph Kony, and because I too know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by what people think of me and of my failures. But his example is a bit different from another person I think of who "failed", then bounced back, by God's grace. William Branch (aka "The Ambassador", a Christian hip-hop artist) was dropped by Cross Movement records due to an extramarital affair he had with another woman. William's failure was also very public and no doubt extremely humiliating for not only him, but his wife and family. Yet, the grace of the Gospel shines through this story in a way that highlights the mercy and love of the Living God. Read his statement here. In it, he humbly asks forgiveness from those he has failed, and states that he has spent the last year in retreat with the intent of focusing on his family and spending time in "concentrated prayer, counseling, reading, studying, and fellowship..." He then turns the focus away from the shame he now feels, or the sin that he committed, and shines a spotlight on the glorious good news - that sinners, even him, have been redeemed by the blood of Jesus. That he, like King David when confronted by Nathan, had repented and was choosing to believe "the rest of 2 Samuel 12:13, 'The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die.'"

It's been 3 years since then, and the Ambassador has come out with a new album aptly entitled "Stop the Funeral". I have gleaned so much GOOD from his lyrics, but also from listening to them in the context of his story. It is so encouraging! It is so Christ-exalting.

Jason's story is fresh yet, and his is different from William/The Ambassador's in that his "failure" was amoral, yet led to sin-influenced actions. The internet is a curse- his story and video clips of his breakdown will be available for years and years to come, as a inextinguishable reminder to him of what he has done...and that is really unfortunate. I hope and pray that in his life, too, the Lord Jesus' grace will shine through in healing and redemptive ways. If I have learned anything in my own life, I know that He is capable of it, and more than willing.

And then there's my own story. I am often very hard on myself. I often feel like I am a disappointment or that I am not meeting expectations. When I look in the mirror, I don't see who I want to be. I feel so very far from the kind, selfless, gracious, truth-loving woman I want to be. I so easily see my sin. And that can be a good thing. When we are blind to our sin, or when we see it but try to stifle it, that can lead to extensive problems. My sin causes me pain. And I've just begun to realize that that pain is a GOOD THING. As children of God, we walk in the light of His face. The light, a comfort, can also be a terrifying/blinding influence that exposes what is not right in us. It too is all grace. I don't have all of the answers on how to handle failure. I wish I did, but I know that I probably will never know how to perfectly deal with disappointment. Yet, I do know this: God is a good Father, and He disciplines those He loves. Even the "bad", when dealt to us from His hand, is transformed into something good, something nourishing and, eventually, beautiful. (insert Ecclesiastes 3:11 and Gungor song here)

He afflicts to heal.

He tests to confirm.

And what a kind God He is. When we are at our lowest, fully aware of our sin and just how much we've fallen short, He stoops down to make us great. (2 Samuel 22:36, NIV)

I take comfort in the sympathetic expressions of weakness and dependency reflected here:

Pilot Me by Josh Garrels

I will arise and follow you over
Savior, please pilot me

Over the waves and through every sorrow
Savior, please pilot me

When I have no more strength left to follow
Fall on my knees, pilot me

May your sun rise and lead me on
Over the seas, Savior, pilot me

Oh Lord

Psalm 42:7
Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.

trudgery & explosions

Inside me lies two responses to the lifeless state I feel myself slipping into today at work. Apathy and mindless, robotic endurance is one option. I will trudge through this day in survival mode, willing time to continue to tick by, after all, I know that it will. That's what time does.

Secondly, I want to explode, escape, break free, break out against the numbness. Change is on the horizon, July 5th- oh hasten the day! The day where I move on from this work that I no longer believe in. It's terrible when your job gives you an "in" into the lives of suffering, hurting people, but then makes you reach out to them not as yourself, but as a representative of an organization that you don't believe can actually help them. And I've done this for two years! A more honest, sincere person would have left the first week... I guess I expected I would be able to help them eventually. As I leave this job and go to one that seems a blessing in so many ways, I wonder what have I done here? Have I bettered this place, these people as a result of spending 40+ hours a week here?

I cannot bear the answer which I suspect. It haunts me.

I am also haunted by my quick turn-around. I was "up" on Monday. It is Friday and already I feel so down it's almost comical my lack of ability to find some sort of stasis.

Stasis: when two opposing forces equal each other in intensity, thereby cancelling each other out.

So, it's not that there aren't going to be forces bringing me down, squelching joy and hope, robbing me of peace. It's that I have to fight back with an equal intensity. "Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong." -1 Corinthians 16:13. But I am not a man. And I don't have strength in and of myself right now. (Or ever) "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power." -Ephesians 6:10. What does it mean to be strong in the Lord? I feel so unbelievably weak, as if I could just keel over and die. Right here, on the spot. I am no superstar Christian. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"- 2 Corinthians 12:9.

I'm not sure I understand why He picks the weakest vessels to be put in places where light is most needed. There are others who would do better. Who would shine brighter. Could it be that the dimness of my own light causes Christ to shine all the more brightly? "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10.

up & down

"Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you." -James 4:9b-10

I find myself too often being tossed by the waves of circumstance. Forgetting that I have a sure foundation in God's Word and an anchor, hope, that holds in every storm, I abandon ship and allow myself to be lashed back and forth by the stuff in which I'm swimming: relational hurts, job stresses, the harsh environs of my neighborhood, the realization of my own sinfulness, uncertainty about the future, etc. And the worst part is- if I stay out there long enough, treading and trying to keep my head above water, I begin to despair. I wonder if God has forgotten about me, or worse: conclude that He has not forgotten (He is GOD after all), but that He must enjoy watching me suffer. If He has the power to stop my pain, and He doesn't, what else can I possibly conclude?

Am I surprised at my suffering? The Bible has given me enough warning to know that this is to be expected... Yes, the Christian life can be hard. God's people must walk through trials and if the Master was treated unfairly and subjected Himself willingly to ridicule and pain and eventually death, then the servant cannot expect anything different, right? Maybe the problem is when this is ALL I expect. I forget about the Joy of being His. The Joy of knowing that my future is secure, that the best is yet to come. It's not that I haven't experienced joy. Oh no, I have had my moments where I have felt joy overflowing from my heart. I remember two summers ago when the Holy Spirit highlighted the Gospel for me in such a way that I wept for the joy of what He had done for me...

My friend Tina says I feel things very deeply. And I suppose that can be a good thing, but it can also be a terrible thing.

In one of my favorite movies, Anne of Green Gables, there is a scene where Anne and Marilla are talking and Anne says that she is "in the depths of despair". I don't think Marilla's response was altogether helpful to Anne in that moment, but it helps put things in perspective for me. "To despair is to turn your back on God". I'll switch the wording a bit because in actuality I have often turned my back on God and not despaired of it: to despair is to believe that God has turned His back on you. If you are His, if you belong to Him, if you have been adopted into His family, He cannot turn His back on you. To do so would be to deny Himself.

So what do I do when I am down? Funny enough, it's when I'm down that God's promises become all the more precious to me. I read from Isaiah 40 this morning: "Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed..." (vs. 4-5) Not only is this a beautiful promise to me that valleys aren't valleys forever, but it also gives me an answer. What should I seek when I am down?

Easy. It's the same thing I should seek when all is going well with me. God's glory. I should seek to proclaim (even if only to myself) His greatness, His goodness, His mercy, His grace, His holiness, His kindness, His wisdom, His trustworthiness, His tenderness, His justice, His righteousness, etc. This is what keeps inconsistent human beings on a consistent track. In this life there will be ups and downs. And sometimes it will feel like it is mostly downs. But regardless, we look to the Lord- who is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). He is the only constant when the rollercoaster of life unexpectedly takes a plunge.

I am starting to see that times in the valley are precious. The Puritans called it the "Valley of Vision". I'll end with two very different, but true excerpts. The first is part of a prayer from the Valley of Vision, a collection of Puritan prayers. The second is lyrics from a song "Up, Down" by the Ambassador. Enjoy. Both have blessed me the last several days.

"Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all..."

"If it goes up, then it goes down, you can go up, you can go down. Everything is for a season; Seasons go round. Keep looking up to Jesus when it comes down."

Lord, let us never despair when we are led by your tender hand into the valley or out into the wilderness. You discipline those you love. And it is in the deep, dark valley that your glory shines brightest- just as stars look brighter out in the country away from the city lights which compete with their brightness. It is in the wilderness that you speak tenderly to us and strip away from us our idols, our lesser loves. Lord, I want to see you shine in my life. Thank you that through the ups and downs you are the never-changing God. Thank you that you are jealous for our heart's devotion. You know that only You can satisfy hearts made for you.

a smorgasblog

Today's is a posting that will be more of a random smorgasbord of thoughts and ideas. I am being intellectually lazy in honor of the New York Times religion column. (yes, that was a burn. don't worry, it's a big paper, it can handle it.)

On How to Wake Up Happy: Woke up this morning, was prompted to reach for my Bible first thing. I attribute that to grace. Filled my first thoughts with Psalm 34...such a good way to combat early-morning depression.

On How to Be Joyful: Another good way to combat depression/despondency in general, as I am finding out, is to cultivate a grateful heart. Gratitude does not just happen on its own. It is a choice that is purposefully, intentionally made moment-by-moment. (I'm reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts and it is stirring up something deep in the recesses of my oft-ungrateful heart and drawing out thankfulness/recognition of beauty/joy.) Running is also good. So are burpees. (I just found out what those were today, and did a BUNCH. I will find out tomorrow if that was a good idea or not).

On Reading: I want to finish more books. I am a great starter of books (currently, I am in the process of reading "Future Grace" by John Piper, "The Hobbit" by Tolkien, "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, my Microbiology textbook, "Catching Fire" by Suzanne Collins, and finally, "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" by Dr. Paul Brand and Philip Yancey.) I used to be satisfied to pick up books, start a few chapters, slough through a few more at a later time, and then drop it with no intention of ever finishing it. But no more! I intend to finish each of the above-named books (yes, even the formidable Micro textbook...) before the end of the summer, if not sooner. I will do my best to not take any more book recommendations until then.

On Home, and Belonging: Pastor Bob, in his sermon this morning, read Revelation 7:15. My ESV didn't quite capture this, but he must've been reading from the 1984 NIV: "He who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them". He elaborated that this tent, His presence (in the ESV) is where we belong, as believers. This is the Home we find ourselves longing for here. I swallowed hard as he said this. I can certainly identify with the longing to belong, to find a home, not just a place to lay my head at night, but a safe and welcoming place to which I can always run. I often long to find this in a person. A friend. One who will never leave me. But, alas, friends move away, pursue their God-given callings far, far away from where He has me. And repeated disappointments remind me that this is not it. This is not Home. And as long as I pretend that it is, I will be sorely disappointed. And then I think of Jesus, who did not even have a place to lay his head. He knew this wasn't home. And here I am laboriously picking out curtains and complaining about the poor plumbing...as if I'm going to be here forever. As if this temporal world can somehow meet/satisfy the infinite longings of my heart. Oh may earthly disappointment drive me to seek Him! May I cry out when "my heart and my flesh fail" for the shelter of His presence. And may I cry out with the rest of those who are Homesick, "Amen, come Lord Jesus!"

And on that eschatological note, I think I will end this posting.

one day, I hope to...

get past myself, my hang-ups, and my introspection (which is really no fun at all)...and move onto larger more wonderful pursuits. I want to write about things that really matter, instead of writing in order to sort out my own seemingly contradictory thoughts about life and things that matter. I want to get out from under the guilt and shame that try to attach themselves to me; I want to walk in the freedom that has already been purchased for me. I want to dance without caring what people think, or that they can see how foolish I look. I want to live with integrity and no longer project onto others the impressions of myself that I guess/make-up in my head. I want to start living my life instead of coveting the lives of others, the callings of others. I want to be infectiously joyful, constantly grateful, and full-to-the-brim of the experiential knowledge of my God. I want to make good use of my time. Find that balance between faithful stewardship of the days I've been given, and being oblivious of time itself as I live for eternity. I want to be a good friend, one that is faithful and steadfast. One that does not run from hurt, but runs back to my friend with arms open and heart ready to forgive (and, if need be, be hurt again), trusting all the while that my heart is in the charge of One who takes good care of me. Oh to live with purpose and wonder! A purpose that gives meaning to the mundane. A wonder that sees the world through the lens of the light and beauty of Jesus.

I forget that the days that I dread and the minutes that tick by with painstaking slowness are the stuff of which my future is made. A future grace is my present beholding of truth. Accepting with a thankful heart all that I've been given...Today. And every day, I have been given the greatest gift of all- Christ Jesus is mine, despite my dirt and filth and slowness of heart. He has come to make His home inside this heart - weary-worn by the world, hardened by hurt, and scarred by sin- and He gives me a new heart. And new mercies each day. I can hardly imagine that sort of reality, it seems so contrary to the pattern of living (if it can be called that) to which I've grown accustomed lately.

Lord Jesus, forgive me. Let me behold Your beauty and grace in such a way that the rest seems rubbish to me. Let me move past my self. Let me be moved by Grace to see the precious treasure that You are. And take this life, and the days I have left, to make of it something beautiful that points to You.

"'You are a king, then!' said Pilate." BINGO.

Reading a marriage book, at my father's behest. (Is that the proper use of that word? I'm not sure...) It's called "What Did You Expect", so I assume it addresses the expectations (probably FALSE expectations, at that) people have as they enter marriage. I'm on chapter 4 now, having finished chapters 2 and 3 last night. I must say, for being a marriage book it sure speaks to me in my singleness...

Here are a few gleanings from chapter 3 entitled "Whose Kingdom?" that I believe will benefit anyone who reads this whether contentedly single, discontentedly single, contentedly married, or discontentedly married. Or oblivious to such matters.

Paul David Tripp, the author, writes "...we are kingdom oriented people. We always live in the service of one of two kingdoms." (pg. 47-48) The first, the one we enter the world pledging our allegiance to, is the kingdom of self. In this kingdom, we rule as king, and our desires, our dreams, and our needs are of singular importance. This is also known as Living in Sin. Sin is described a few paragraphs earlier in his book: "Sin, at its root, makes us shrink our lives to the narrow confines of our little, self-defined world. It causes us to shrink our focus, motivation, and concern to the size of our own wants, needs, and feelings. Sin causes all of us to be WAY too self-aware and self-important. Sin is essentially anti-social. It dehumanizes the people in our lives: they are reduced either to vehicles to help us get what we want or obstacles in the way of what we want. They are no longer objects of our willing affection." (pg. 47)

The second, is the kingdom of God. For those who profess faith in Jesus Christ, this is the kingdom we have been saved into. By God's grace, He frees us from our bondage to ourselves, to our self-coronating sin.

I laughed as I caught a glimpse of my church's Good Friday service bulletin poking out from underneath the rubble on my desk this morning. These words were the only ones I could see:

"You are a king, then!" said Pilate. (John 18:37).

Pilate does not say this to acknowledge Jesus' testimony of Himself (or His kingdom) as true. We know this because the very next words out of Pilate's mouth are, "What is Truth?" This kind of kingdom did not make any sense to Pilate. My guess is he said it in the tone people use when talking to people that might be crazy. "So, you're the real Shirley Temple and your identity has been stolen, eh?" (this is a real-life example from my job, by the way).

Only in this instance, Pilate was uttering profound truth, and he had no idea. Words which ought to have brought him to his knees before the King of kings, were spoken in a condescending manner, not knowing Who stood before him.

And don't we do the same thing in our lives with Jesus?

There's nothing wrong with Jesus, we find no fault with Him. But we fail to acknowledge His kingship. At best, we are amused with the concept so we'll listen for a bit, acknowledge it in our own way. But when life doesn't go as planned, our allegiance to our own kingdom is exposed. We don't laugh and rest in His sovereignty: we flip out and get offended. God has violated the laws of our own kingdom, the way we wanted things to go.

And this, Tripp writes, is why marriages which started off full of love and affection go sour. When (feelings of) love dry up and the other person violates our expectations, it's a battle of one's kingdom of self against another's. The only way to aright this is to seek together God's kingdom, His righteousness. A marriage of unity and understanding and real love rests on the bedrock of joyful allegiance to Christ's Kingdom. And so it is with those who are single, too. A single life of peace and gratitude and purpose and fulfillment rests on the same bedrock. As we turn our eyes away from self, and onto Christ, making Him the object of our deepest affections, we discover a better kingdom and, more importantly, a King... Who takes care of all our needs, who doesn't give us what our sins deserve, who lovingly crowns us with grace and compassion. A King who exposes our sin, frees us from its chains, and transforms us into people who love selflessly as He does.

crying out, seeking, drawing near

I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep, having gotten to bed around 2:00 this morning after picking up my friend (and roommate), Heather, from JFK airport. Normally I would be somewhat of a grumpypants after so few hours of sleep, but this morning there was something in me that decided to actually wake up when my cell phone alarm went off and to use the time I had before work to seek God.

Yesterday, as I was reading John Piper's Future Grace, I was startled and refreshed by these verses:
"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded." (James 4:8)
"The Lord your God is gracious and compassionate, and will not turn His face away fro you, if you return to Him." (2 Chronicles 30:9)

If there are two things I can be sure of at this very moment, they are:
1) That I am a sinner in need of God's grace
2) That there is Grace to seek Him RIGHT NOW.

That He promises to draw near when I do. That He promises I will have NO LACK when I do. That He will delight me, guide me, be kind to me. These aren't just "nice ideas". They are promises from God's Word. And because He is trustworthy, His words can be trusted.

I am taking Him at His word today. I don't need to do anything special or super-human for Him to draw near to me. I recognize my need for Him and cry out- "He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you." (Isaiah 30:9)

I will never know why He chooses to bother with me- I have so little faith, so much selfishness, boatloads of pride, and doubt... yet He is patient and waits for me to come around. What an amazing, loving God He is! He alone is to be feared.

ptolemaic shift

It seems to always surprise people when they find out that life is not always about them. Imagine the shock that rippled throughout the educated masses when Copernicus, Galileo, and then finally Newton confirmed that, contrary to popular belief, the earth was not actually at the center of the universe. It was hard to swallow then, and it's still hard for us to swallow today.

What? It's not all about me?

I'm reading a book entitled "Dug Down Deep" by Joshua Harris. I've only read the first few chapters, but so far it's been a very enjoyable read. He writes in a very candid manner (punctuated by bits of humor), and invites the reader to take a look into his own spiritual journey. As he writes, "this book is the story of how I learned to dig into truth and build my life on a real knowledge of God." He brings up the point that many people claim to be Christians but lack a true understanding of the true God, that many of us live as if being a Christian means holding to a certain moral standard and agreeing that yes, there is a God out there (though his actual character and nature remain more nebulous and vague). Mostly he is there just to answer our prayer requests and make us happy. We've made God incredibly small, and made ourselves so incredibly big.

We've lost touch with the idea of a God whose holiness makes him wholly unapproachable, who destroyed 70 men in one day for staring into the ark of His presence, whose passing glory left an afterglow on Moses' face so that people could not even look at him... we treat His commands with contempt, call them "outdated". We talk all about His love for us, but neglect His justice and the fact that we fail to obey Him!

For years I have lived my life as if God was out to wait on me, to move at my beck and call. I would worship Him, but only because I thought that's what He needed me to do. Like somehow He was needy for my affection or "wanted a relationship with me." Whoa. Not only was that an ultra-elevated view of myself, it was a completely wrong view of the God of the Bible.

The God of the Bible is after His own glory. He is self-sufficient, not dependent on anyone or anything. He has existed (in the truest, most real sense) since before time. He is all-wise, completely good, and unchanging. His vastness is beyond human comprehension, and His character is inexhaustible. Unlike humans who need to eat and sleep to stay alive, God draws "unending energy from himself" (p. 42 Dug Down Deep) Basically, God is the very definition of life. What a neat thought! And this One who needs nothing, He chooses to give life and breath to every living creature. He is the One who sustains all of earthly life!

And I thought I could please Him or impress Him through my super-spirituality, my outwardly righteous deeds and impressive knowledge of Him. God is not impressed with those things, though. He is mostly impressed with Himself. And He wants me to be impressed with Him too. He wants to reveal who He truly is to me so that I will relate to Him rightly. My response ought to be worship.

The problem is that my tendency is self-worship. I mean, it kinda makes sense that I would naturally think that life was all about me...after all, I am the starting point of reality since all of life is filtered through my own eyes, my own mind. I define my own priorities, my own problems.

"But the biblical mindset...is completely opposite. Here the starting point is God. His rights and goals define reality. We talk of human rights and civil rights, but never of Creator rights...the implication was that what constitutes a problem
in this universe is not what upsets my itsy-bitsy world of clothes, sex, food, relationships, traffic, and television. No, what constitutes a problem is anything that contradicts the goals and plans of this Creator" (p. 47 Dug Down Deep).

Think about the things that we get angry about. Usually it's when things don't go our own way, when we feel our rights have been violated. When we live life for ourselves, of course we will often feel angry. But we were created to live in the fear of the Lord, in the knowledge of who He is, and with His purposes in mind. This means that we don't ask why things aren't going our way. We ask, instead, why a holy and just God hasn't struck us down dead yet. We marvel at His greatness and holiness, we stand amazed at His love and the riches of his grace. What a shift in thinking! What a freeing way to live! No longer do I need to worry about why this or that is or isn't.

The Bible promises that if we "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness" God will add the rest to us. He will take care of us. But that doesn't mean that it's about us. No, no, no...it's all about Him. We just get to play a part in this story of salvation, and for that we should be eternally grateful.

I'm humbled at how patient God is with me. He graciously reveals Himself to me, even when it seems like at times my ears are completely stopped up, unwilling to hear His voice. And even when I rebel against His kingship in my life, He tarries with me, bringing revelation, correction, and restoration. He helps me to shift my me-centered focus to the reality of a universe centered around Him.

"Yes, Lord, walking in the ways of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts." -Isaiah 26:8

a rainbow

when I sin

Yesterday, I exploded at one of my friends. My feelings (my pride) had been injured and it was completely silly of me to harbor any grievance at all, but I have been known to be irrational at times. Anyway, I brought up an issue over which I was upset and picked a fight with her about it. I was angry that something that felt so important to me seemed so petty to her. It was made worse by the fact that she could hardly even remember the details of the incident in question.

After I had gotten out all of my words, we sat in silence for a while. Then I was so ashamed at my outburst that I began to cry. Super. So not only am I a meanie, but a crybaby! (If I remember correctly, that's two of the three worst things the other kids on the playground could call you, the third being "tattle-tale").

I wish I could say I was crying because I felt repentant at my poor attitude, but in reality it probably had more to do with the loss of a certain "reputation" I felt I had established here. I imagine I give off an impression of being caring and generous and helpful and patient... when I want to. And here I was watching my so-called reputation come crashing down in one fell swoop. Sin had reared its ugly head, and actually surfaced past where it normally did. I mean, I know that I am sinful, but I think I try pretty hard to not let others know that.

Paul Miller writes in A Praying Life: "All sin involves a splitting of the personality- what James calls being 'double-minded'. If we become proud, we have an inflated sense of self that has lost touch with who we really are. If a husband watches porn online and then warmly greets his wife, he has created two people- one public and one hidden. If you talk about friends disparagingly behind their backs, you've created two personalities- the loving friend and the gossipping friend. You try to keep the personalities separate by telling those to whom you gossip, 'Please keep this in confidence'" (p. 92)

If sin involves a splitting of the personality, then our aim should be to get our inner and outer lives to match. Now this is, in actuality, impossible for us to achieve on our own. That is why God poured out the wrath we justly deserved on His perfect Son, Jesus. Because of His perfectly sinless life, substitutionary death on our behalf, and resurrection from the grave, we are declared righteous (though we are sinners). All we need to do when we sin is repent.

Miller continues, "Repentance brings the split personality together and thus restores integrity to the life. The real self is made public. When the proud person is humbled, the elevated self is united with the true self." (p. 92)

In one sense, I'm glad my sin was exposed. I need to be reminded every once in a while that not doing sinful actions in the sight of other people is not the same as not being sinful. My heart (apart from the work of Christ) is desperately wicked. And only when we let others see our sin can we deal with it and be restored to purity of heart and action.

So I asked another friend, "What do I do now?" I had already apologized to the offended party, and we were okay. But I still felt the heavy feeling of guilt and shame. This other friend gave me great advice which I will now share with anyone who stumbles upon this post and actually makes it this far. She said that I ought to thank God that He took care of my sin and its ultimate consequence (eternal death and separation from God) at the Cross, and that I should now live in faith that He has taken away my shame. If you're lucky, you have friends who will forgive you and accept you as you truly are (forgiven and redeemed)...but even if you don't have friends who will forgive you for your sinful actions, you can know that in the person and work of Jesus Christ, an atonement has been made for your sin. All of it. Every single one. And you can go on with your life humbled (by the realization of your sin AND by the grace of God revealed at the Cross) and confident of your righteous status in God's eyes.

We should not be surprised by our sin. The Bible says that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. This means that no one is free from sin. We always think we are the only ones who sin, who mess up, who have ugly hearts...but that is not the case. Now, that doesn't give us excuse or license to sin. As children of God and heirs with Christ we must learn to hate sin because it is offensive to the One who loves us. But we don't have to run and hide our sin any longer (think Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden when God was looking for them). We don't have to be afraid of being "exposed" for what we truly are. Only if we own up to the fact that we are sinners can we truly embrace and rejoice in the provision of the Cross!

My God, He provides for me!

So, it's been a very busy several weeks and it is only going to get worse (September is a big recruitment month for our organization, so I will be working a lot of extra evenings and weekends in the next few weeks). But in the busyness, I forgot to mention a cool incident that happened last week in which I saw God's presence and provision:

I was waiting with my co-worker at a street corner to take a bus to a nearby college to speak in a classroom and she was a little frustrated because the bus was taking so long to get there. It was probably 95 degrees out and perfectly sunny. We could both feel beads of sweat dripping down our business-casually-clad backs. We were also going to be late. When the bus finally did arrive, I realized with horror that I had not brought a fully loaded Metro card with me, and was currently carrying no cash! My co-worker rummaged through her purse and found a few dollar bills, but I remembered that the buses only accepted coins. I didn't even have a chance to pray, I was in a mental frenzy. We'd already walked a few blocks just to get here and if I ran back to get coins at the office, we'd miss this bus and have to wait another 15 minutes.

Because I was left no other choice, I began to climb the steps onto the bus, all the while wondering what I was going to do. My co-worker went in front of me, swiping her monthly pass, and I prepared myself for how I was going to explain this predicament to the driver. Suddenly he pointed at me and said, "You, don't swipe your card, give this woman $2.25 in cash. She swiped her card twice by accident, so she paid for your fare." Just like that, my fare was paid for, and because we were paying the woman in front of us and not feeding the coin machine on the bus we could pay her with dollar bills!

My co-worker, who is a self-proclaimed agnostic (and who knows that I am a Christian) said, "That worked out nicely!" I smiled because I knew it had been God providing for my needs before I could even voice them to Him.

In small things like that, God makes His presence known to me. Even when I am powerless (or should I say, especially when I'm powerless) He intervenes, sometimes without my asking, to come to my rescue. He really does care for me! And that incident positioned my heart to cry out to Him in similar situations, instead of worrying about how I am going to fix it.

About two hours later, I boarded the wrong train home and got off just in the nick of time, before the train left the station. I found a bus stop that looked like it would take me home and prayed that God would help me because I had just spent money getting into the train station that I could've spent on this bus I was about to take.

When the bus pulled up and I stepped up ready to insert my metrocard in the slot to waste yet another $2.25 the bus driver waved his hand for me to just take my seat. At first I was confused but then the lady behind me told me that the machine wasn't working so we were basically getting to ride for free. Ha! Twice in one day, God provided for me in seemingly small ways.

In the past, I might've tried to chalk this up to "coincidence" but that is because my cynical heart is so prone to doubt God's presence and involvement in my life. I am His child, purchased by the blood of Jesus, and now indwelt by His Spirit! Of course He is involved in my life, down to the minutest detail!

I pray that this little story encourages you and that you can examine your own heart and see if little seeds of cynicism have been allowed to grow there. When we view our situations with eyes of faith, we are able to recognize Jesus in areas of our lives that we did not before. I pray that our hearts would be filled with childlike faith to believe God is who He says He is, and that we would not hesitate in turning to our Heavenly Father bringing our requests and grateful hearts fo Him!

I don't know whether it's getting quieter out here or whether I am adjusting to the noise, but lately I have been sleeping like a baby. I think I woke up this morning in the exact same position I fell asleep in last night. I don't recall hearing any sirens or car alarms...

And right now, all I hear outside my window (other than the distant droning of an airplane) is the chirping of birds!

Aaaand, I just discovered that the cathedral on the corner of my street chimes the hour!

Hmmm...the only explanation is that sometime between the time I drifted off to sleep last night and this morning, I must've been transported back to Grove City.

it's Tuesday.

Today was another long day of training downtown near Wall Street. It was an hour commute one way, and I woke up only half an hour before I had to leave the house at 8:30 this morning, which meant a lot of rushing around and no time to even crack open my Bible or drink any coffee before work. Coffee was provided for us on site once we arrived at the Food Bank's headquarters, but there was no time throughout the day to set aside specifically for reading the Word or pondering God.

Looking back through the day, it didn't feel very spiritual. I sat on the subway for two hours alternating between feelings of tiredness and discomfort (being squashed between two big men). I sat through six hours of training on eligibility requirements for food stamp applications. I came home and baked cookies with my roommates' five-year-old cousin, had dinner, contemplated going for a run (but didn't because it got dark fast, and rained again), and then sat down with Emily to watch an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Other than reading "A Praying Life" for a bit on the train ride home, I didn't actively try very hard to draw near to God today.

Ordinarily, I would get down on myself about this and begin to distance myself intentionally from Him. I used to expect Him to treat me like I treat people when they ignore me or avoid me for some time. I thought that maybe He was hurt and harboring feelings of bitterness against me for not making time in my day for Him. I thought maybe He won't draw near to me today, because I have not drawn near to Him. And maybe He'll be kinda cold towards me for a few days...until I have learned my lesson.

Thank God He's not like me! Not only is He not like me, but our relationship does not all ride on me! I think one of the greatest passages in the Bible is Philippians 1:6 "...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

I used to think that unless I was constantly fasting, praying, worshipping, etc. that my relationship with God would go down the tubes. In fact, I grew up being told "you are as close to God as you want to be!" Which was horrible news most of the time because I hardly ever really wanted to be close to Him. If only I could be passionate enough or sold out enough...THEN He would love me and then I could be a "good" Christian, one who was happy all the time, spouting off Scripture, and leading hundreds of people to Christ every day.

The longer I am a Christian, the more I recognize and lean on God's faithfulness to me! I realize it's not about how faithful I am to Him! I can't always be as passionate as I should be about Him. I am weak, and I fail. If this whole Christian walk were up to me, I would have derailed years ago. But God, in His grace, has kept me all these years. He sustains me, He keeps His promise: He will continue what He has started in me. So even when I have days where it feels as if I have lost sight of what's important, I can rest in the fact that my Father's got me. He hasn't forgotten about me or brushed me aside until I can get my act together. No, He is orchestrating the events of my life, ordaining my every step, using all that happens to me to sanctify me and glorfiy Himself in my life- even the most ordinary days.

covenant

Christians tend to throw words around.

You know what I mean. We have certain words we use (most of the time around other believers or in a church-y setting) and overuse, to the point where we may forget to dwell on the meaning behind those words.

Covenant is one such word, for me at least.

I grew up in a Korean church called New Covenant Fellowship Church (NCFC)- shout out to my most faithful reader, my cousin Daniel, who is going strong there- and I remember that all of the older Korean men and women in the church referred to it simply as "Huellowship Gyoye" (which means Fellowship Church; the "f" sound is a hard for native Korean speakers to pronounce sometimes). So the word "covenant" was dropped (even the English speakers just referred to it as NCFC) and although I was familiar with the word, I never much thought about the word "covenant" which is a travesty because it is a word packed with rich meaning.

Now, I am not a theologian by profession so what follows may not be a super in-depth explanation of the idea of covenant, but it's what I have understood at this point in my life. I welcome any ideas/thoughts that you have on this topic.

So, covenant simply means an agreement between two parties. I am reading through material for my "covenant membership" class for the church I now attend, and it states that every human relationship apart from the parent-child relationship and coerced relationships (like one between a master and slave) are covenant relationships on some level. One party promises some good/service and the other agrees to offer something in exchange for it...now that sounds super "mercantilistic" (yes, I am aware that this may not be a real word) but, as a sociology major in college, I do understand that there is always a "give and take" in almost every human relationship. Even in our friendships, we see this. In exchange for your friendship, I will invest my time into continuing to get to know you, and you might call or write in order to ensure that I will keep up my end of the bargain. Now not all of these stipulatons are outlined in writing or even addressed outright, but covenant is usually marked and sealed by some external sign. Marriage is sealed by rings and a marriage license and a public declaration before witnesses. In middle school, my best friends and I wore half-heart necklaces that, when put together, read "Best Friends Forever" as an outward sign of our commitment to one another.

"Covenant" is first introduced in Genesis 3:15 when God promises that the serpent's head will be crushed; the consequences of Adam and Eve's sin will be dealt with by the coming Savior. We see it again when God makes an agreement with Abraham, He promises that He will make his name great and give him descendants that outnumber the sand on the shore or the stars in the sky.

I think of the covenant God made with Noah, and how he sealed it with the rainbow. A promise, a reminder if you will, to us- that whenever we see the rainbow up in the rainclouds we will think "ah, eventually this rain will let up. God has promised never to flood the earth completely again." How beautiful.

But there are not-so-beautiful aspects of covenent, namely, the breaking of it. You see, covenant relationships are binding agreements. They are not to be taken lightly, they are not to be broken ever. Neither party can fail to uphold their end of the covenant, without there being serious consequences.

God initiates a covenant with Israel in the Old Testament. Even though they do not seek Him like they ought (because they are unable to in their wickedness and sin) God promises grace to them. He will not destroy them. He will set apart a people for Himself. He gives them the sacrificial system by which the blood of animals will serve as a temporary hold-over for his wrath. In Deuteronomy, God promises blessing and His very presence and protection instead of curses if Israel will but obey God and serve Him alone as God. (Deut. 29:9-14, 30:16-20)

If you've grown up going to church, you know what happens. Israel turns away from God time and time again, just as we are so prone to do. We are the recipients of grace and divine love, but we squander what we've been given, we scorn God's mercy and turn aside to follow our own hearts. What Israel deserved for breaking covenant with a holy God was outlined in the Deuteronomy passage above: "...if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down before other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed...(Deut. 30:27-18) What God says carries weight. He cannot lie, so we can be sure that anything He says is a promise. When Israel sinned by turning away from Him, He couldn't just say "You know when I said I would destroy you if you sinned, well I guess I take it back. I don't really want to destory you..." No. Because He stated it, that is how it had to be. His word is reality.

Israel (and we, lumped in with them) had no hope, then. We, in effect, spit in the Creator's face...said we didn't really need Him. We made light of His great love. And what did He do?

He destroyed His own Son on the cross for us. He implemented a NEW COVENANT! He didn't break His own rules and do away with punishment. No- in an incredible show of His mercy AND justice, He poured out His wrath on Jesus, who lived a sinless life.
Hebrews 8:7-13 tells us the good news: "The time is coming, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel...it will not be like the covenant I made with their forefathers...because they did not remain faithful to my covenant, and I turned away from them. This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time (after they sin and break covenant)...I will put my law in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God and they will be my people. No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother saying 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sin no more."

Dang.

I read that first thing this morning and wept tears of gratitude. He knew we would sin...look at what He says "after that time"- and He exercises grace yet again to bring us near. We, who were condemned as "objects of wrath" (Eph. 2:3). Amazing. God's grace is truly amazing.

for when I am weak, then I am strong

I am fearful.

Fearful of the silliest things, really. Of not being liked, of being thought foolish or stupid, of being forgotten or left out... yes, I think those things are some of my top fears. But are they really that silly? Because they feel like such valid fears sometimes.

I know I am not supposed to be fearful, that perfect love is supposed to cast out all fear and that I am no longer rejected- God has accepted me in Christ. There are Bible verses galore that would support these ideas, but I am having trouble translating them into real life. You know, figuring out how these truths change the way I live and respond to situations.

I don't understand it- it's like I have this irksome need to be liked! If I sense that someone doesn't like me, it bothers me. I scramble for ways to make them like me, ways to make them accept me. But the problem is that not everyone likes me. And I'm not always likeable (especially when I am this needy for approval).

This behavior has begun to affect me at work. Because I sometimes feel uncomfortable around my co-workers, I am not always myself, and as a result, I begin to feel insecure, and unsure of whether they really "like" me. Not that it should matter. And yet, I crave their approval and feel a lack when I don't get it. Any desire to share the gospel subsides as I strive for them to like me. I can't confront their bad language...they'll think I'm a goody-two-shoe! When I make mistakes or am confronted about something I didn't do correctly, instead of handling it graciously, I act as if I am being victimized. And when things don't go my way...well, I get cranky. I'm not painting a very pretty picture of myself here, and really that's just as well, because it's a truer picture of myself than the image I often try to portray. The truth is, I am a small, selfish, fearful child.


And yet, I am promised that as I behold His glory, He is transforming me into His image. I am promised that if I just open my mouth, He will give me the words to say. And if I am faithful to share the Gospel, He is the one who will give the grace for someone to believe the truth I share with them. It's ultimately not about me. It never is, really. As Kevin DeYoung says, "Never underestimate the germinating power of the Word." All that is needed for God's Word to take root in someone's heart and produce fruit-bearing faith is God's Word. Not a smooth-talking, attractive, outgoing, well-dressed person. Not a killer personality or skillful public speaking skills. I'm so glad that my utter weakness does not disqualify me from sharing the Gospel!

It'd be a miracle if my co-workers even see a tiny speck of resemblance between me and my Jesus. I am so incredibly weak and self-centered. My heart grumbles like the Israelites did in the desert. Why did you bring me here, God? That I have the audacity to ask such questions is indicative of my unbelief. He has demonstrated His provision beautifully for me: a great home full of believers, a job right out of college, a solid church full of people who love the Lord...and I still struggle to believe that He is with me, that He is for me, that He is working in me and through me.

It's time to take my eyes off myself and turn my attention back to Jesus.

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. [notice we don't hold firm to our faith because we are awesome Christians, but because we have an awesome Savior] For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. [amazing...] Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." -Hebrews 4:16

I don't know about you, but I am running towards that throne...

dimly, as in a mirror

A song I heard for the first time at Next a few months ago starts out with these words:

"Lord, your children have not been spared
From this world's daily trials and cares
We know weakness, fear and sorrow, yet we're not alone..."

In a way, I do feel like I have been "spared". I admit I have not known many real trials. And I don't pretend that the difficulties I do face from time to time are anything compared to what my fellow brothers and sisters suffer daily in other areas of the world.

Most of my so-called trials happen as a result of my own sin. I relate to these lyrics though because I DO know weakness, fear, and sorrow- they've been some of my closest "friends". I am weak insofar as I am unable to desire God the way that I have been created to. Instead of living by faith, I so often am dictated by fear. And sorrow, of course, naturally follows. I see the sad effects of my own sin wreaking havoc on the world which God once called "good". I stand in the ranks of those who have been redeemed, yet I live here on the earth below- so very far from where I was meant to be.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I was reading a book about prayer... it was talking about how I was created for relationship with God, and suddenly I realized that despite the fact that the very notion of distance was banished at the cross (Ephesians 2:13, 18) I still can feel so very far from Him. I don't get to sit and talk to Him face-to-face like Moses did. I don't get to walk in the cool of the day with Him like Adam and Eve did before the Fall. Why? Because of my sin. Our sin. Sin!

I HATE IT.

I hate that apart from those rare and beautiful moments, I don't even know what it's like to just sit and TALK with Him. I can describe the doctrine of sonship to you, but I don't know what it's like to BE WITH my Father. Basically, I talk as if I have an intimate relationship with my Father, but I don't. "Theoretically, it is close. Practically, it is distant." It's that idea of "knowing about" vs. "knowing". I know a lot about God. I mean, and I love knowing about Him- I get to sit under some pretty awesome teaching about Him, and I rejoice at any opportunity to hear about Him, but sometimes, I just long to hear Him. There are moments, like last night, when the disconnect is so painful that I don't know quite what to do.

This morning at church, God answered me and brought me hope from this passage:

Revelation 21:1-5
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling place of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then He said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

I have always marvelled at Christians who express their longing for Heaven. I can't say I have ever had a burning desire for Heaven- mostly because I have never been able to imagine it, wrap my understanding around it. It had actually been a source of shame for me, because, after all, what kind of Christian doesn't long for Heaven? But this morning, the reading of this passage literally made me ache for the day when God will come and fulfill His covenant promise at the marriage feast of the Lamb. I will see Him as He really is. My eyes will actually behold Him in all His fullness and I will finally be with Him forever, unhindered by sin or doubt or worry or fear or anything at all. Even our broken relationships with one another within the body of Christ (the result of sin) will be restored! All the pain we feel from being separated from God and one another...that is part of the old order. There is a new order coming. Sin and all of its effects will eventually cease to exist! God is preparing a bride, spotless and without wrinkle, to present to the Lamb: the reward of His suffering!

When I feel distant from God, I can be reminded that one day I will be with Him in His presence forever! But in the meanwhile there is still hope: Exodus 15:13 says "In Your unfailing love You will lead the people You have redeemed. In Your strength You will guide them to Your holy dwelling." Even as we sojourn here on earth, He promises to walk beside us. He has not promised to withhold pain, trial, death, or hardship from us. Those are the means of sanctification. But He has promised to guide us and lead us until we reach our final dwelling place.

So while we are here on earth we see dimly, and we shall know in part. But I pray that He would hasten the day when we will see Him not in glimpses or traces but in fullness of glory and splendor!

trodding

I think the honeymoon phase may be over.

Yesterday I woke up dreading going to work, forgot to pack myself a lunch (and it was too late by the time I realized it) and had to spend money at a bodega. (Is it terrible if I think the guy there purposefully overcharges me for my sandwich because I'm dressed in "business casual"?) I almost cried after spending nearly an hour filling out a public assistance form with a man who it turns out was going to lie about where he lived so that he might obtain money from the government. Later the same day, I fell while running up (yes, up) the stairs and fought back tears (and swear words) as I watched a nice bruise appear on my left shin.

It's times like this when I am comforted by the fact that God never changes. He is still good, He still loves me, and I am still His...those things will never change because they are realities that exist outside of time- outside of my little life here on earth. And so I trod on, because He who has called me is faithful and He will do it. He will finish what He's started.

so very thankful

I want to take a minute to say that I am filled with gratitude when I reflect upon my life right now and how God has directed me and brought me to this place. To the Bronx, to this meaningful job, and to this community of believers. I read this morning from Heart Aflame (a devotional based on the book of Psalms and Calvin's commentaries on the Psalms) that when we, as believers, see God's hand of goodness in our lives, the proper response is to be overjoyed and to let praise spill out of us. I don't do that often enough. My guess is that it's not always second nature to us. But it's so good to remind ourselves of the faithfulness of God in our lives. Doing so serves to establish more firmly in our distracted minds the fact that God is good and that He is for us. It diminishes the negative things we encounter on a day-to-day basis by stirring up hope and faith inside.

Wednesday night, I had the chance to go on a walk out in the middle of nowhere in Rapidan, VA with my friend Laura (who drove 40 minutes both ways to come see me). Her visit was like a breath of fresh air amidst what had been a very lonely few days of work training. We talked about God, we prayed, we reminisced on the ways He had been good to us during the few weeks we had together living in Naomi's house. All we could hear as we sat by the side of the road was crickets and the occasional frog. No lights, no other sounds, no human beings anywhere near us. And I was blown away by the simple beauty of that moment and the nearness of His presence with us, His daughters.

So here is my list of things for which I am thankful:

I am thankful for friends, for times of prayer and recalling glimpses of God's hand in our lives.
I am thankful for my parents, for the chance to see them again this past weekend, for how much they love me and each other, for their generous hearts and the ways they make me laugh.
I am thankful for a job in which I can help people who are struggling to get by, network with similar organizations, and have my eyes opened to the fact that not everyone has had it as good as I have.
I am thankful for M&Ms I found this morning that I left in my desk last Thursday because now I can snack on them.
I am thankful for cooler weather and relief from the heat.
I am thankful for Lisa coming to pick me up from downtown Manhattan last night so that I didn't have to take the subway carrying all my luggage, as well as the chance to talk to her about working in a secular environment.
I am thankful for lunch breaks!

Now what are YOU thankful for?

pickles and perspective

I came home yesterday from work absolutely tired and drained and in need of spiritual nourishment and encouragement. Not to sound too "Grove City"-ish but I'm starting to realize just how different (and incompatible) my worldview is with some of the people I work with. It's hard to be in an environment where the truth isn't valued (or even acknowledged as a real "thing")...where it's all about padding it or watering it down to soften the blow. If the truth is going to offend, then it's better not to say it at all. On the other hand, it's fine to say false things as long as you are "building the client's self esteem".
I told a young man yesterday in a client meeting that he was "in a pickle" (which he absolutely was)and later the employee who was shadowing me reprimanded me for not staying positive and using the "strengths-based model" of social work. I find myself mentally running into God's presence throughout the day as I work, begging for His joy and strength and grace. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes because I am the only one who sees things the way I see them...for example if you need a driver's license in order to get a job but can't leave NYC to cross the border into New Jersey to take your driving test because your parole officer won't let you leave the city...you, my friend, are in a pickle. And I want to be able to tell you that. I want you to realize how sorry your state is, because maybe JUST MAYBE the way you've been doing things in the past HASN'T worked out for you. And maybe it's time for a change.
I spoke with one of my roommates yesterday and our conversation brought so much joy and life into my situation. I am grateful that though my job is difficult I get to come home to a house full of people who love the truth and point me to Jesus.
Last night, I read this in a book and want to share it here because it is just that good:
"More than anything else I could ever do, the gospel enables me to embrace my tribulations and thereby position myself to gain full benefit from them. For the gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which I live and move; and every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize that the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials. The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good unto me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ... I can then embrace my trials as friends and allow them to do God's good work in me." (p. 31-32, "A Gospel Primer for Christians" by Milton Vincent)
I have already begun to see the good that God is working in me through the frustrations I encounter at work. My thoughts, instead of wandering away from the Lord as they are so prone to do, run desperately to Him. The weariness I feel causes me to lean all the more on Him. And the lack of sympathetic co-workers at work makes the fellowship I have at home even sweeter.